We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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