why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
