She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
