I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
