im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
