just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Can Purell be used as lube?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
