dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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