Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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