Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I have tasted many bathrooms
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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