I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
