....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
