White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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