It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
