Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
