Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
