Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
