My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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