Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
