Got a toothbrush?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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