I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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