He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
