I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
