The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
