Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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