4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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