last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
