I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
