three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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