Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
