Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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