I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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