I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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