Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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