Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
