if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
