Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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