if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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