You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
