Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
