I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
