her vagina looked like bernie madoff
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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