he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
