You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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