am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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