So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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