I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
