Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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