Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize