Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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