im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
