just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
