i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The beer is more important than you right now.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
how drunk are you?
Several
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
